The Blockout
by glassycry
Summary: I open my eyes for the first time and look around. The room I'm in is blurry. Extremely so. Where am I? Who are these people? What is this room? Why can't I see properly? Am I in danger? How did I get here? - L/J One-Shot from James' POV


**A/N – Yes, yes, I know. It's **_**another **_**story where someone loses their memory and has to get it back. It's an overdone idea… but, I had to! This one-shot is kind of an excerpt from my chaptered fic, **_**Thrice Defied**_**. ****You don't have to read it to understand this story****. In fact, if you have read **_**Thrice Defied**_** a lot of this will be repetition for you, which is why I made it a separate story.**

*****SPOILER ALERT!*** If you haven't yet read **_**Thrice Defied**_** and think that you may want to in the future, this story contains **_**major**_** spoilers, so beware. If you **_**are**_** a fan of **_**Thrice Defied,**_** this is the "missing chapter" between 39 and 40. If you don't want to be spoiled about the cliff hanger I left you on, I suggest waiting to read this one-shot until **_**after**_** Chapter 40 is posted. **

**This story will be told entirely from James' POV.**

_Thoughts will be in italics._

**Letters and Notes will be in bold.**

* * *

The first thing I hear when my mind comes back to a state of consciousness is a conversation being held in hushed tones.

"Well, like I said, just one person should stay with him throughout the process." A rough male voice is saying. "Even if we disregard the triggers, too many people in the room can be too much for the brain to process. He'll be over stimulated and the charm won't work. If the same person is by his side throughout, then he'll feel more comfortable through all the stages."

"I agree, and since you will be the one performing the charms, we will go by your rules." An old sounding man replies.

"I'll be staying with him. If he has any questions, I can answer them from him." A sweet female voice tells the men.

Her voice sends a few butterflies through my stomach. Why? I'm not sure. _Who belongs to that voice? _

I open my eyes for the first time and look around. The room I'm in is blurry. Extremely so. I can make out the vague outline of the bedroom lit only by the sunlight pouring in from the two windows on either side of my bed. A wardrobe stands on the wall across from the end of my bed, either that or a very fat woman. And by what seems to be the outline of two doors the people stand talking.

The people. Two of them are men, one short with no hair, that I can tell, and the other tall with extremely long white hair. The third person is a small woman. She's shorter than the bald man and her thin frame is hidden beneath light blue robes. Her long hair is vibrant red and falls halfway down her back, unless, of course, she's on fire and the others are ignoring it, but that seems unlikely. Her back is to me, so I cannot see her face, but I can tell that she will be beautiful when she turns.

_A face to match that voice._

"You are the best one for the job." The old man says, nodding to the woman. "But, I assume that you had to fight Sirius for it?" He says and I can hear the smile in his voice.

_Who's Sirius? What job?_

"I did. But he knows now that I'm right. Besides, I told him exactly what I would do to him if he tried to get in my way." The woman says and she straightens her back proudly, her hair, or the flames, dances around her slight frame.

_I need someone around at all times to ask questions to. That means they know I don't know where I am. Apparently the position is in high demand as well because this woman had to fight someone for it._

None of them have seen that I'm awake yet. Unsure if I want them to know I'm awake, I close my eyes again and listen to them chuckle. The woman's laugh is infectious. _She must be beautiful. Right, enough about the woman… Where am I? _I try to think. _Who are these people? What is this room? Why can't I see properly? Am I in danger? How did I get here?_

"Well, I must be off. I shouldn't be here when he wakes, too many questions." The old man says.

"Thank you, Albus. We'll keep you updated on any progress." The short man with no hair tells the old man, Albus, apparently.

"Right, let's go over this one last time, shall we?" The man says as the sound of a door shutting reaches my ears. The woman makes a small sound of assent.

"When he wakes he'll be very confused. He'll ask many, many, many questions. Answer only the very essential ones, ones that will help him know he's safe." The woman must have nodded because the man continues. "He mustn't be over loaded with information or it may cause him to put up a block in his memory, a block I'm afraid I will not be able to break. Also, avoid saying anything that will trigger any of the blocks already in place. We went over the situations I think you should avoid, do you remember them?" The woman must have nodded again. "Right, I'll return in a few hours' time, I just have to go check in at St. Mungo's. I'll leave him in your care. Remember I'm only a patronus away if any trouble arises, but I have full confidence that you'll be able to keep him calm." The man says.

_St. Mungo's. Patronus. So, they're definitely magical. And according to them, I have memory loss. And they want to heal it? Or block it? _I can't tell. It makes sense, though. It explains why I have no idea how I got here or why I'm here. I don't believe I'm unsafe though. The voices don't sound threatening. They seem concerned and even slightly curious in the bald man's case. This place seems oddly familiar as well. As if I've been here before.

"Thank you, Edgar. I'll let you know when he wakes." She tells him and then I hear the man's footsteps before the opening and closing of a door. The woman lets out a sigh the second the footsteps fade from the other side of the door.

"You may open your eyes now. I know you're faking." She says and I nearly jump.

_Is she talking to me? How did she know? She could be guessing._ I peek out of the corner of my eye and see that she's still not facing me. _Yes, she must have guessed._

"You just peeked. I'm not a complete nitwit you know." She says and I smile. There's just something about her.

"How did you see me?" I ask opening my eyes to the blurry room again.

"You're honestly blind without your glasses." She says and I feel something small fall onto my chest. I look down and make out the outline of circular glasses. I put them on and the room comes into focus.

The room is decorated in a light blue color with a soft oak around the baseboards. The thing at the end of my bed is indeed a wardrobe, not a fat woman. There are two armchairs to my right that I had missed earlier and the woman still stands with her back to me by the doors. _Red hair then, not fire._ Hanging on the wall next to one of the doors is a mirror that I had missed in my initial scan of the room. She isn't looking into it, but I can tell that if she were to look up, she'd be looking directly at me.

_I have definitely been here before._ I decide.

"Ah, thwarted by my own eye sight. How did you know I need glasses?" _I even forgot I needed glasses, how could she know?_

"You've worn them for as long as I've known you." She tells me and she finally, gratefully, turns to face me.

I feel the butterflies in my stomach once again. Her gorgeous hair has been pulled back from her face in a half pony tail. Her soft skin is almost milky and a smile lights up her face. Her bright green eyes capture my attention and I can't imagine looking away.

Finally my mind seems to work again. "And how long is that?" I ask.

"Long enough." She says and her smile falters slightly before she moves to sit in one of the arm chairs.

"So, I'm guessing by the conversation that I just over-heard that you won't be answering my every question?"

"I'll try, but we have to take it slow. I can't overload you with information." She says looking serious.

"Alright, let's start with: where am I?"

"You're in a safe room, in a safe location, where no one can do any harm to you."

_Except maybe you and those two men that were just in here._ But even as I think it, I know it's not true. If they were intent on hurting me, they would have done so already.

"Why should I trust you?" I ask. After all, she's a beautiful woman placed in front of me telling me she has the answers to all my questions, but won't give them to me. She could be here to mess with me while others plot my demise.

"Because, I've never given you a reason not to trust me." She says innocently.

"You've known me a long time then? And never once have I mistrusted you?"

"No." She says confidently and for some reason, I believe her. It has to be her eyes. No one could lie with eyes like that.

"Then tell me, how do you know I have memory loss and I'm not just pretending?"

She smiles wide. "If you knew who I was, your first question would have been something different entirely."

This intrigues me. "What would it have been?"

"That's something you'll figure out when you get your memories back."

"I will get them back, then?" I ask_. Finally, some real information_.

"That's the plan. It may take a few days or even weeks, though. Edgar will explain the process to you this evening."

"Who's Edgar?" I know that she called the bald man Edgar, but I want to know more about him.

Her smile falters again. "Edgar's a Healer, at St. Mungo's. Do you know what those two things are?"

"Yes, I'm not thick." I say almost angrily. She's talking to me as if I'm a five year-old.

She smiles again. "I know that, I'm just not exactly sure what all you remember and what you don't."

"Well, I know what St. Mungo's is and I know what Healers are. So, Edgar's the Healer assigned to me then?"

"Yes, he's the best around and he can get your memories back."

This stunning creature is telling me everything, but then nothing all in one. There's a long pause as I take this all in.

"How did I lose my memory?"

"A few people used a couple of memory charms on you." She says, evasively.

"Why?"

"We're not sure of their motives." She answers, not quite meeting my eye.

Another long silence follows this as I think. _Who would want to make me forget? What are they trying to make me forget? _That's when I realize. I don't even know my name.

"Can I ask you something that's going to sound rather mad?"

"You may."

"What's my name?" I ask the beautiful redhead, unable to hide the sadness in my voice.

"You're James Potter." She says and a small smile plays on her lips again.

"James… that does sound right…" I say trailing off. "And what's your name?" I ask after a minute. She looks hesitant so I smile. "I can't keep referring to you as the beautiful redhead in my mind."

She smiles hugely, shaking her head. After a moment of hesitation she finally answers. "My name is… Anne."

"Anne. No offense, but I expected it to be prettier." She laughs. "So Anne, you can't tell me where I am, but I can tell it's not St. Mungo's. You can't tell me why I'm here, other than to get my memories back. You can't tell me why my memories are gone, besides the fact that someone put a memory charm on me. What can you tell me?" I ask sarcastically. I'm more than a little frustrated by my situation.

She just smiles at me, knowing that it will distract me, I expect. "Are you hungry?"

I am hungry. I hadn't realized. I sigh. "Yes."

"Well then I'll get us some lunch." Anne says and gets up and heads to the door on the outer wall of the room.

Once the door closes behind her I make my move. I jump up from the bed and look around frantically. _Where's my wand?_ Obviously they have hidden it from me. _Wand… wand…_

_Wait… what would I even do with my wand? What does my wand even look like? Do I even have a wand? _I start to pace realizing that I don't remember a single spell that could get me out of here. I could scare the pretty redhead – _Anne_, my mind corrects – I could scare Anne with some spiders… but that's about all I remember on spells.

_It's like I am ten years-old. _Another blow as I realize that, that probably _is_ how old my mind is. _I don't feel ten years-old_. I move over to the mirror to look at myself. My reflection doesn't shock me. I'm just as tall as I remember being. My black hair, just as untidy as it always has been. My hazel eyes behind my glasses shine with recognition. I look over my grey robes and ponder my situation.

_How can I remember my reflection and not my own name?_

Anne returns with a large tray of food and looks over at me curiously. I can tell that I must look upset to her. "I see that you've remembered you can walk." She says with a nervous smile.

I sit back down on the edge of my bed. "I just realized that I don't even know if I have a wand, or what it looks like, and even if I did, I wouldn't know what to do with it. Then I realized I remember exactly what I look like, yet, I don't remember who I am really." I admit. _Why am I telling her this? She could be the one who took my memories!_

She nods at me sadly. "We wondered how far back they went." She takes out her wand and conjures up a table and two chairs before setting down the tray. "Join me for lunch?" She asks sitting down.

I just stare at the place where the table appeared. Such a trivial spell sparks something inside me. "I… I know that I can create a table from thin air, I know that I've done it before, I just can't remember how or when." I say and then move my hands up to rub my eyes irritably under my glasses. _Why can't I just remember?_

"Sorry." Anne says sadly. "I shouldn't be acting like this, performing magic in front of you like that. It's just so easy for me to forget that you don't remember. You do know how to conjure a table, you know much more than that. You'll remember soon enough and when you do, we'll return your wand to you so that you can do anything you wish." She promises.

"So, you have my wand?" I ask as I stand to join her at the table.

"Yes. It's in a safe place."

"Just like I am?" I ask sarcastically.

She smirks. "Yes, just like you are."

"Can I ask more questions?"

"You can ask, I don't know if I can answer."

"How old am I? I feel like I'm ten, but I'm obviously older."

"You're nineteen." She tells me.

_Nineteen. That is nine years' worth of information that I don't remember. _"How long have I been out?" I ask nodding to the bed.

"Only since last night." She tells me as she piles some food onto her plate.

I join her and as we eat I ponder what to ask next. She obviously can't tell me much about why I'm here or how I got here. Maybe she can tell me more about herself and why she's here. I find myself wanting to get to know more about her. At least it'll distract me from the fact that I know nothing about myself.

"Are you a Healer?" I ask as we eat.

"No." She says shaking her head sadly.

"But you want to be?" I guess.

"One day." She says with a smile.

"Is this something you have to do to get into the training program? Is Edgar your mentor?"

Anne gives me a smile. "Something like that."

"I'm guessing it's very prestigious that you're here, I heard you telling the old man that you had to fight with someone to be here."

"Yes, and he's very angry at me right now, but he'll get over it by dinner time. He knows that I'm the better… uh, candidate for this." She says, sounding unsure of her wording.

"Well honestly, I have to admit you're a damn sight nicer than some bloke would've been." I say and she smiles again.

"Are you hitting on me, Mr. Potter?"

"I'm just complimenting your good looks. I'm sure you already know how gorgeous you are."

"I believe I am told at least once a day." She says with a sad smile.

"Do you not like being told how beautiful you are?" I ask, wondering why a compliment would make her sad.

"No, I don't dislike it. I just miss the person who tells me."

I understand now. She has a boyfriend. Of course a stunning woman like her has a boyfriend. Any bloke would be mad not to want to ask her out.

"Boyfriend?" I ask, almost too casually.

"Husband." Anne says, holding up her left hand to show me the rings on her finger. _Hmm, three instead of two. Strange._

"Ah, married. But you're so young. You can't be any older than I am."

"Nearly two months older." She tells me proudly. I nod, I don't remember when my birthday is, but instead of asking her, I decide to learn more about her and this husband of hers.

"How long have you been married?"

"Almost a year now."

"Lucky bloke." I mutter. "Is he angry that you're here instead of at home with him?"

"No. I think when I explain to him why I'm here and not at home, he'll more than understand."

"Sounds like he loves you." I say sulkily.

"He does, very much so." She says, smiling benignly at me.

"And you love him." I say, it's no question. She definitely loves this lucky, lucky man.

"More than I can even begin to describe."

I nod. That explains why they married so young. "I assume that I'm not allowed to hit on you, then."

She laughs and I appreciate the sound once again. She really is striking. "Let's just worry about getting your memory back, shall we?"

"We're starting with that tonight you said?" I ask returning to serious conversation.

"Yes, tonight when Edgar returns from St. Mungo's he'll pay us a visit. Then he'll explain to you exactly how he's going to get your memory back." This Edgar must be a very good Healer if she's so confident in him.

"What do we do until then?" I ask looking at our empty plates.

"Well, I was thinking you could shower, since you have been in those robes since last night." She says with a mischievous grin.

"I don't know. I may need help. I'm not sure I remember how to take a robe off properly." I say returning the grin. I see her eyes flash with an emotion I don't quite recognize. "Sorry." I add quickly. "It's hard for me not to hit on you, even though I know you're married." I say and she grins again.

"Come on, the wardrobe has been stocked with your clothes. The bathroom is right over there." She tells me.

I go over to the wardrobe and pick out a pair of tan robes and then a pair of pants and some socks before heading to the door indicated. Once inside I close the door behind me and begin to strip off the grey robes I'm wearing. I look at myself in the long mirror again and smile at my pants. I poke my head back out to the room to see Anne cleaning up from our lunch.

"Anne?" I ask stepping back into the room.

"Yes?" She turns to me and her eyes go a little wide at seeing me half naked.

"Sorry, I guess I didn't really realize that being topless would bother you, you're going to be a Healer aren't you?" I ask and she gives me a warily look and then smiles.

"Yes. It doesn't bother me. What did you need?"

"I just wanted to ask you, do I follow Quidditch?"

She smiles at me warmly. "Yes, you love it. You play as well. You're a chaser, and you're very good at it."

I nod. "Explains the Quaffles on my pants." I say and she smiles broadly. "Alright, shower, I'm on it."

Once I'm clean and fresh and in new robes I head back out to the room to see Anne setting up a chess board between the two arm chairs.

"I thought we could play a few games to keep your mind off of everything." She says and I smile.

"That sounds lovely." I say, shocked that I remember how to play.

A few hours later Anne goes to get us dinner and I relax in my chair. I'm not sure why I feel so comfortable here with her. I don't know why I haven't demanded her to tell me whatever I want to know. But I'm enjoying this time with her, enjoying not worrying. I know that in a few hours the Healer will come and tell me what I want to know anyway.

I get up and walk across the room to look out one of the windows. It may give me an idea of where I'm at. I see a beautiful garden far below my window and further out a white gazebo and even further from that, a small Quidditch Pitch. _I'm at home, or at least, they want me to think I'm at home. I seem to be on the top floor, must be in one of the guest rooms. That's why it's so familiar._

Anne returns with a tray of food and sets it down on the table she had conjured earlier.

"Anne?" I ask and she turns to me.

"Yes?"

"Am I at home? Are we in a guest room at Potter Manor?"

She smiles weakly. "Yes."

I relax even further than I had before. _I'm at home, I'm safe. Anne can be trusted after all_.

"When can I see my parents?" I ask eagerly, wondering why I haven't been allowed to see them yet.

"You, uh, can't have any visitors besides me and Edgar until after all of your memories come back." She says sadly. "Edgar will explain. He's downstairs having dinner right now. Once he's finished he'll come up and join us." She tells me sitting down.

I join her at the table. "Will you stay?" I ask and she looks confused. "Will you stay with me here while Edgar explains everything to me?" I'm not sure why I want her here. All I know is that the idea of being alone when I hear all the new information scares me.

"Of course I will. I'll be here through every step." She promises and reaches forwards as if to grab my hand, but instead picks up the gravy boat.

A short while later a soft knock comes at the door. "Come in, Edgar." Anne calls and then turns to me to give me a reassuring smile.

"Good evening James, Anne." He says and nods to us both. I stand and the man smiles at me. "James, I'm Edgar Bones. I'm sure you don't remember me, but I'm hoping that we can fix that." He says with a smile. I nod and reach my hand out to grasp his.

"Anne tells me that you're going to explain everything to me, she says you can get my memories back." I say sitting down in my arm-chair. Anne takes hers next to me and Edgar conjures one up for himself.

"That's the idea." He says with a smile. "I need to explain to you first what we believe happened to you last night. Three people attacked you. One of them thought that they were skilled with memory charms, but, from what I saw when I did a scan of your brain, they weren't that skilled. The person actually created several blocks in your memory. This may seem strange, making it seem like you remember some things, but not everything. Does this sound about right?" I nod and he continues on. "Most memory charms, when used properly, obliterate the memories you want or all of a person's memories. This person has seemingly repressed your memories instead. I could have brought them all back last night, since the blocks are actually quite feeble."

"Then why didn't you?" I ask confused and frustrated. This man is saying that I didn't actually have to go through any of this. He could have prevented me from feeling like this.

Anne puts her hand on my arm reassuringly and a shot of electricity runs through my body at her touch. "Just listen, James." She says and her voice seems to caress my name. All I want is to hear her say it again. I forget momentarily that Edgar is sitting across from us, telling me very important information. He clears his throat loudly and I return my attention to him.

"I didn't take down the blocks last night because we're afraid that it may be a trap. Taking them all down at once could be a trigger to either erase all of the memories forever or it could replace them with false ones. We decided to wait until you knew what was going on, explain it to you, then take the blocks down one at a time." He explains.

"So, if you take them down slowly, how will you know that what I'm remembering isn't fake?" I ask confused.

"That's what Anne is here for. You met her roughly a year after your memory goes blank, she should be able to tell me if the memories I'm releasing are true or not, if they aren't then I'll work a counter charm and put the blocks back up around your mind. Then I will contact other skilled wizards who can deal with such an attack on the mind." He says smartly. "I'm fairly confident however that this person who attacked you isn't skilled enough to know how to do such powerful magic."

"What if it's the other option, what if my memories are erased forever?" I ask, trying to hide the fear in my voice.

Edgar exchanges a look with Anne before answering. "Well, that's the worst case scenario. But, it is, again, why Anne's here. She'll be able to help you remember what you cannot, or will be able to lead you to who can when the time is right."

I nod. "Exactly what do I have to do?"

"You'll be asleep for the process. Your mind is easier for me to work with when you're unconscious. We'll give you a potion for dreamless sleep and then when you're out, I'll work my magic." He says with a slightly amused smile.

_I can't believe I'm trusting these people_. But, we're in my house, which means my parents are downstairs. They wouldn't let untrustworthy people near me when I'm in this state.

"Anne?" I ask turning to her. "Will you be here while he's picking through my brain?"

"Yes, I won't leave your side." She promises and gives my arm a squeeze.

"Anne will be next to you with a pensive. I'll remove the blocks slowly and carefully and extract a few memories for her to watch. If she says that they are correct and haven't been tampered with, I'll place them back into your mind. We're going to only do one block at a time, if nothing is triggered and all goes well, we'll be able to continue on until all your memories are back." He tells me.

"How many blocks are there?" I ask.

"I counted five, in my initial scan. No telling how many memories are held behind each one though."

"Alright, let's get started then." I say and get up and move to the bed.

"Get comfortable. I'll go get the potion." Edgar says with a smile and Anne follows me over bringing her arm-chair with her.

"Don't be nervous, I'll be here the entire time." Anne promises as I take off my robes and climb into bed.

"Is it going to hurt?" I ask, the words coming out before I can stop them.

"No, it shouldn't. When you wake up, you'll be confused and disoriented from your new memories, but you shouldn't be in pain."

I nod and Edgar returns handing me a small vile.

"Well, hopefully tomorrow morning I'll remember something other than my house and parents." Anne chuckles at my words and Edgar smiles. I feel my eye lids droop and I think no more.

* * *

I open my eyes to a still dark room. It's blurry, but I can make out Anne still sitting next to me. Her hand is very near mine as if she had fallen asleep with it clasped around my fingers. She's sleeping still, so I sit up and smile over at her. Her soft red curls are pulled up into a pony tail.

Something shifts in my brain. A much younger version of this beautiful woman surfaces in my mind.

Vivid and perfect visions come back to me. I watch her crying by a window on the Hogwarts Express, watch as we are both sorted into Gryffindor, watch my best friend turns her textbooks into toads, and watch as she yells at me in the Gryffindor common room. Then memory after memory of my first year and second year at Hogwarts swim through my mind. I feel as if I just re-met my three best friends, Sirius Black, Peter Pettigrew and Remus Lupin. The suspicions I feel about Remus are new and fresh in my mind. Then Sirius and I do research all summer and confront Remus about being a werewolf. I feel the sorrow for him, the anger at his pain. I feel like I reaffirm the promise we make him, telling him we all will become Animargi for him. We name our little group The Marauders.

My head swims with memories, I feel light-headed and I lie back onto my pillows and cover my eyes as images flood back into my mind.

I can sense her stirring beside me, but I'm still too caught up in the mass of sensations coming over me. I hear her calling my name softly a short while later but I don't open my eyes.

"You lied to me." I say and I hear her gasp.

"It didn't work?" She asks and I hear the sadness in her voice. I feel something being slid into my hand and I know it's my glasses. I put them on and sit up slightly to look at her.

"No it worked, Evans." I say and she smiles hugely at me.

"You do remember then?"

"Yes. Why did you lie and tell me your name is Anne?"

"Well, Anne is my middle name, so it's not really a lie is it? But like Edgar said last night, we didn't know what would trigger the blocks, if anything, so we were worried that hearing my real name would set you off."

I nod and sit up a little straighter. "You must really want to be a Healer." I say as I make to get off the bed.

"What do you mean?" Evans asks me.

"You hate me, so I can't think of any other reason you would want to help me." I say and head to the wardrobe to get clean clothes.

"I never hated you. We just didn't always get along, is all." She says getting up from her chair to follow me.

"You told me you hated me, second year, I had just made Snivellus cry and you told me you hated me and that I'm the worst person you have ever had the misfortune to meet." I remind her of one of the memories I got back.

"I did say that, and we did dislike each other quite a lot at that moment, but we didn't always fight. Remember a few weeks after that. You and Sirius were sitting in the back of Transfiguration whispering and I wanted to hear so I pretended to be taking something off of one of McGonagall's bookshelves and it nearly toppled over on me? But you pulled me away before I could get crushed." She reminds me with a smile.

I nod, remembering. "That's one of the last things I remember, I don't remember anything after my birthday second year. Sirius and I were talking about…" I stop not wanting to let her know that Remus Lupin, one of my closest friends, is a werewolf.

"The last memory that Edgar let me watch in the pensive last night was you and Sirius sitting up late on your birthday talking about Remus' 'furry-little-problem' as you call it in later years."

"You know about it, then?"

"Yes, I figured it out in our sixth year." She tells him.

"And you aren't afraid of him?" I ask, almost scared to know the answer.

"No. And that's something that you admire greatly about me." She says and I nod. It is something that I'd admire in a person.

"So, after second year I stopped picking on you and you stopped yelling at me?" I ask hopefully turning back to her.

"Not exactly." She says going slightly pink.

"Then why are you here?" I ask, not understanding why she's so willing to help someone she dislikes so much.

Then I know. It's like I thought before. She isn't here to help me. She only wants to get into the Healer training program. No matter how much she doesn't want to admit it, I know that's why she's here and it angers me.

"Why couldn't you let Sirius be here?" I demand before she can answer my previous question. "Why not let my best mate be here with me through this process?"

She frowns at me sadly and I think I see a flicker of pain in her eyes. "Sirius could be a possible trigger." She says in small voice.

"Whatever." I say angrily. I turn back to the wardrobe and pull out the first set of robes my hands reach then a pair of clean pants. I turn towards the bathroom but her voice stops me.

"I don't think –" She begins.

"No, you didn't think! You didn't think how hard it would be for me to wake up to someone who I know hates me! You only care about yourself, only care about your precious career. You don't care that what I need right now is my best mate, someone who I know isn't judging me!" I yell.

I can definitely see the hurt now. I have hurt her with my words. Then anger settles on her face.

"You would have wanted to risk hurting your mate then?" She demands angrily. "Sirius could have triggered a false memory that they planted, one that would not have you remembering him as your best mate but as your bitterest enemy? Do you not care that you could have attacked him?" I can see the truth in her words and I know she knows that I can see it.

"And I was just going to tell you that I don't think those robes will fit you." She says crossing her arms over her chest in such a way that it makes it hard for me to understand how I could have ever forgotten her like this. Angry, defiant, stubborn, Lily Evans. _How could I ever forget her?_

I look down at the robes in my hand and hold them out to get a better look. They are light purple and about five sizes too small. "What in Merlin's name?" I ask.

"They're mine." She says taking them back from me. "I'm staying here as long as you are. I need clean clothes as well." She says and I feel like an arse.

So what if we used to fight when we were kids? Why should I care if she hated me then? She's obviously a very different person then she was at thirteen and hopefully I am as well. She's right, they could have tried to use Sirius as a trigger and I should be grateful that she figured it out. I can't begrudge her this opportunity for her dream job. Especially since she's willing to stay away from her husband, locked in Potter Manor with me, until I get all my memories back.

"Sorry." I say looking at her sincerely. "I know you're right. It's just hard to remember those things and not be able to see how they connect to life now." I explain.

"I know James, I do." She says honestly and gives me a smile that warms me to my toes. "Don't worry about it. You're doing really well under the circumstances." She hands me a set of my robes from the wardrobe and I head off to get a shower.

When exit the bathroom I see her sitting at the table eating breakfast. "Thank you." I say as I sit down across from her.

"You're welcome." She says giving me a smile as she pours herself a cup of coffee.

"The wizard that you and Edgar were talking to yesterday before you knew I was awake, that was Dumbledore wasn't it?" I ask and she looks up at me and nods slowly. "Why was he here? We have obviously already left Hogwarts if we're nineteen."

"We have left school but Dumbledore was worried about you. He has always had a special fondness for you and your mates." She says with a small smile. "He just wanted to make sure you make a full recovery. Edgar keeps him updated."

"Is everyone else worried as well? I know that Sirius and my parents know I'm here, but what about Remus and Peter?"

"They know you're here. Remus and Peter stopped by this morning to see how things are coming along. Sirius hasn't left since you got here. All of them are pleased that you remember them now. I told them about our fight and they said that you are back to normal." She smiles. "Sirius told me to tell you he's sorry you're stuck with me."

I smile as well and give a chuckle. "Tell him it's not that bad. When will I be able to see them?"

"Not until all the blocks are down. Edgar thinks it's still too risky."

"Understandable." I admit. From her reasoning earlier I'm sure that it's the smart thing to do. "What have you planned for us to do today?" I ask and she smiles.

"Well right now, I'm going to get my shower. You aren't the only one who wants to be in clean robes." She tells me and I watch her gather her things from the wardrobe and make her way to the bathroom. "Behave, I shouldn't be long." She promises and closes the door behind her.

When I hear the water running, I get up and try the door that would lead to the rest of the house. I knew that it wouldn't be open, and without my wand, and I can't get out. I continue to explore the room, looking for any hint as to where she hid my wand. When the water shuts off I go to look out the window. I'm hoping to catch a glimpse of someone I know walking through the gardens or maybe out on the Quidditch Pitch. I hear the door open behind me and I turn to see Evans in the purple robes from before.

"Enjoying the view?" She asks and I nod. "It's beautiful. One of my favorite things about this place is the grounds." She tells me.

"You have favorite things about my house?" I ask her curiously. "Have you been here before yesterday?"

Her face goes red and I assume she has just let something slip that she wasn't supposed to. "Want to play exploding snap?" She asks and she isn't fooling me with the change of subject.

"You aren't very subtle." I tell her.

"You ask too many questions." I raise my eyebrows at her and she goes red again. "Sorry, of course you ask a lot of questions. I swear I'm not usually this tactless."

I laugh and she joins me. "Come on, let's play exploding snap. I don't want to get you into trouble with your soon-to-be boss."

After our fourth game we're tied and Evans starts to shuffle the cards for the tie-breaker. Her rings catch the light of the setting sun. "I'm going to start asking questions again, Evans." I warn her and she laughs.

"Go on then."

"You may not like my questions." I warn again and she just stares at me waiting for me to continue. "Did you end up marrying Snivellus?" I ask, not bothering to hide my disgust at the idea.

She laughs loudly and I'm surprised. "No James, I didn't marry Snape." She says between laughs.

"What?" I ask, astonished at her use of Snape instead of her usual nickname for the boy. "He's your friend, isn't he?"

This sobers her up. "Um yes, Snape was my friend. I can tell you that while I never actually hated you, he most certainly did."

"I don't need my memories back to know that." I say and chuckle. I didn't miss her saying that Snape _was_ her friend, but I let it go. She obviously doesn't want to talk about it.

"Who did you marry then? Someone I know?" I try to make the question casual but I think she can hear my interest.

"Yes, someone you know well." _Someone I know well._ I'm getting ready to guess before she looks at her watch. A watch that looks much too big for her tiny wrist.

"No guessing, you'll know when you get your memories back." She promises. "I'm going to go get our supper." And with that she leaves the room leaving me to ponder who she married.

After supper we chat about silly things that happened in our first and second years. She laughs at all the stories that are so fresh in my mind but are almost forgotten by her. Around ten o'clock, according to her watch, Edgar turns up.

"Ready for round two, James?" He asks me and I smile.

"Absolutely."

* * *

I wake up much the same way as I had yesterday. The blurry room comes into focus as I put my glasses on and I see Evans sleeping in the arm-chair next to me. I wait for the onslaught of memories and they trickle into my mind slowly.

Memories of going to Hogsmeade and meeting Rosmerta. Raiding Zonko's Joke Shop and all the new pranks that come with it. Lily Evans paces in the Gryffindor common room in nothing but her pajamas and my thirteen year old self can't help but imagine how silky smooth her skin would feel at my touch, how soft her lips would feel to kiss. I remember asking her out, repeatedly, and she turns me down, repeatedly. I watch as we get into horrible rows. Fourth year comes back to me and nothing changed between me and Evans, I would still ask her out in horrible, lavish, crazy ways and she would tell me to shove off in horrible, lavish, crazy ways.

Sirius, Peter and I are almost obsessive with their efforts to become Animargi for Remus. We use the Room of Requirement as our practice room. Finally, I relive the experience of turning into the large stag all over again. It's surreal and wonderful.

"Something's got you smiling." Evans says and I look over at her to see her watching me.

"Just one of the memories." I tell her. "Have you seen all of them?"

She shakes her head. "I only see a few, Edgar picks out about ten and I tell him if they've been tampered with. None were."

"So, you're saying I really was that pratty?" I ask feeling ashamed of all the different things I had said and done to embarrass her.

She laughs. "Yes, you really were."

"Sorry for embarrassing you, but you can't blame me for chasing after you. You're bloody gorgeous, Evans."

She smiles at me kindly. "Yes, well, asking me out over seventy-five times between third and four year can't have been the only things you remembered. What else?" She asks

"Just Marauder stuff." I say with a smile.

"Sirius will be pleased that you remember The Marauders." She says and leans sideways adjusting herself slightly to rest her head on the back of the chair.

A gold necklace falls out from underneath her pajamas. The heart-shaped locket swings for a minute and I can't keep my eyes off it. _Just another reminder that she belongs to another bloke_. I sigh.

"I wish I could go back and tell my fourteen year-old self that you aren't interested and to give up."

She chuckles. "I doubt that would have stopped you."

I smile. "Perhaps you're right. Could save myself a lot of wasted time though, I have a feeling I didn't give up after fourth year."

"You didn't." She promises me. "But, that's a story for tomorrow, when you remember more."

I sigh. "Let me guess, shower, breakfast, maybe a bit of gobstones, then lunch and then some other trivial game before dinner and then I will get to repeat the process?"

"I know that you hate being locked up like this. I'm just glad Sirius reminded me to take the cloak off you when we got you up here. I'm sure you have already thought about using it to sneak off when I'm not looking." She says wisely and I'm shocked.

"How do you know about the cloak?"

"I was told about it in sixth year, and I know you're tired of hearing it, but you _will_ remember." She says with a sly smile getting up to get her things from the wardrobe. I watch her pulling out pieces of clothing to take with her to the bathroom.

"No robes today?" I ask.

"No I think I'm going to wear my Muggle clothes. I want to save the last pair of robes I brought, for the last night we have to spend in here." She tells me.

"So you can wear them when you go home to your husband?" I ask resentfully.

"Exactly." She says beaming at me. "They're his favorite."

I see the necklace again and I grimace. Remembering how much I liked her at fourteen only makes it hurt more when I see how beautiful she still is. _Maybe if I hadn't been such a twat I could be the lucky bloke she chooses specific outfits for. I could have been the one who buys her jewelry._

"If I haven't said it before, I'll say it now; he's one very lucky bloke." I tell her.

"He knows." She promises me before heading into the bathroom to get ready for the day.

The morning passes rather the same way as before, we both shower, eat breakfast and chat.

"The last memory that was released was on your fifteenth birthday, of you and the others in your dormitory." She says.

I look up from my lunch. "Yes, that's the last thing I remember." I confirm.

"Well, since you first transformed into your Animagus form right before Remus' birthday, I assume you know about it now." She says completely shocking me and making me spit out my butterbeer.

"How do you-" I begin but she cuts me off.

"It doesn't matter how I know, but I do. You turn into a stag. I'm sure you're dying to try it out, don't let me stop you." She says waving her hand at me flippantly.

I stare at her wordlessly for a moment before I stand up and walk to the middle of the room, praying that my memories weren't false. When I look up, it's form an entirely different, yet familiar, vantage point and see Evans smiling broadly at me.

"See, that wasn't so hard." She says patting my head as if it were normal, like she does it every day.

I turn back into my human form. "You've seen me in animal form before, haven't you?" I ask her.

"Yes." She admits.

"You won't tell me when though, will you?"

"No." She says with a smile and I sigh.

"Do you know about… well, do you know that Sirius and Peter…"

"Yes, I know that Sirius and Peter are also Animagi."

"They did it, then? How long did it take them?" I asked relieved.

"Sirius achieved it about a week before exams fourth year and Peter was sometime over the summer before fifth year."

"Can you tell me what animals they turn into?" I ask curiously.

She seems to deliberate for a long moment. "I don't see what it could hurt. Sirius turns into a massive black dog, very fury. Peter's a rat, small and grey with beady eyes." She tells him.

I ponder this and she lets me have time to think. Sirius makes sense as a dog, but Peter? _Why a rat?_

"You once explained to me exactly why Peter becomes a rat and it made a lot of sense." She says correctly guessing the reason behind my silence. "I think once you remember more, the reasoning will make more sense."

I nod. "Do we get caught? Is that how you find out?" I ask, fearful that we lost the only way we could come up with to help Remus.

"No, no one else besides you four and I know about you being illegal Animagi." Evans promises me and I nod, extremely relieved.

She suggests we play gobstones and I agree, knowing that anything I ask now she'll just answer with, 'wait until your memories come back'.

After several games, all of which I lose somehow, Lily decides that it's time for her to go get us some dinner while I wash off all the putrid goo. I stand in the bathroom ridding myself of the stuff and think back over the last two days. I can't make the girl in my memories match up to the woman I've been spending so much time with. I think back to the first day, I trusted her so completely, and I didn't even know her then. She knows me well too. I smile as I remember her response as to how she knew I wasn't faking my memory loss. She returns with dinner and sets it down on the table.

"I know the question I would have asked you, Evans." I say and she looks at me confused. "You said that if I knew who you were then my first question would have been something entirely different. I know what it would have been."

"Do you?" She says with a knowing smile.

"Go out with me, Evans?" I say and she smiles ridiculously.

"Yes, it would have been something like that." She confirms and I nod.

"Do I get better over the years or did I continue asking you out until you got married?"

She laughs. "You still ask me out, often, even though I'm married." She tells me and I look at her astonished.

"Merlin Evans, I'm sorry. Your husband must hate me." _Wonder why she doesn't sound upset._

She laughs. "No, he doesn't mind at all."

This confuses me completely. _I would hate someone who asked out my wife repeatedly. _"I don't understand. How could he not mind?" She smiles innocently and I know what she's going to say. "Don't say it. I'll know when I get my memories back, right?" She nods.

"I'm curious, though. You haven't asked me if I ever say yes, you just assume that I never do." She says scrutinizing my face.

I look at her appraisingly. "I know you never agreed to a date with me." I tell her. "If you had, then there's no way you would be married right now." I say pointing to the ring on her finger. _No way would I ever let her go if she was in my grasp._

She gives me a sad look but doesn't comment and we stay silent for the rest of dinner. After dinner we move back to the chess table. I've won every game so far. I begin to let her win and she notices.

"James Potter, I know when you lose on purpose and let me just say, I find it insulting!" She says angrily and I can't help but smile.

I'm about to retort when Edgar comes in. "Ready for the next wave of memories, James?"

I smile and stand up. "More than ready."

* * *

_This routine is getting old_. I think when I wake up. I don't even bother to look over to see Evans. I know she's there, sleeping in her arm-chair. I can sense her, hear her slow breathing. The memories come back in waves this time, not as confusing or disorienting as before.

Sirius does indeed become a dog, Peter a rat. We call a meeting at the beginning of fifth year and give ourselves nick names. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and I'm Prongs. I watch our full moon escapades. We write the Marauder's Map. I'm Quidditch captain, and fall into the role nicely. Nothing changes between Evans and me. We still row about twice a week, usually after I hex someone or ask her out.

I cringe as the memory of Sirius telling Snape how to get into the Whomping Willow comes back. I remember running through the castle to save Remus and Snape from a terrible accident. I watch myself take O.W.L.'s. See myself scribbling Lily's initials into every exam paper. Sirius and I pick on Snape again, just because we can, I want to prove to him that I didn't save him because I like him. I want him to know that I still loath him and his Death Eater sycophants. I listen as he calls Lily a Mudblood. I want to curse him. I want to hex him for those words, and I do. Lily still dislikes me, but she's no longer friends with the git. Forty-eight times I asked her out in fifth year. I receive forty-eight no's. Sirius moves into Potter Manor over summer.

Sixth year starts and I have my first real girlfriend, not just a date, a real girlfriend. Dee and I meet in private throughout the castle and she helps me forget about my obsession with Lily. I don't actually have sex with Dee, though we get close several, several times. I tell her that I just want to wait, want to be sure we are both ready. But the problem was that I knew I didn't love her. Lily and I become friends and good friends at that. I get to know her better than I ever thought I could.

Lily gets a boyfriend. Todd Selwyn. I watch as I pretend not to be jealous of him. Lily figures out Remus is a werewolf and I overhear them talking in the Hospital Wing. I hear her accept him and empathize with him. I realize that I love Lily, truly love her. I decide to break it off with Dee, knowing I will never feel that way about her. I put it off, though and end up humiliated at Slughorn's Valentine's Day party. Lily finds me and I remember just how hard it is for me not to tell her how I feel about her.

My heart pangs in my chest as I watch myself continue to be friends with her while she dates Selwyn. Sirius keeps my spirits up by insulting Selwyn with me. My birthday comes and Lily and the other's throw me a surprise party. Lily fights with Selwyn over me and decides to spend the entire day with us instead of him. The last thing I remember is falling asleep on my birthday, thinking that I really might have a chance with Lily Evans.

I open my eyes to see Lily smiling at me. "Hi." She says as if testing my mood.

That simple sentence makes my heart pound in my chest. I still love her. I never get over her, even though she marries someone else.

"Hi." I say back.

"I guess you know I don't hate you anymore." She says and I smile.

"No, we're actually friends. I never would have imagined."

She chuckles and sits up. "Most people were shocked weren't they?" She asks and I nod.

"So, we've stayed friends then, ever since sixth year?" She nods again. "And now I know how you found out about Remus, but didn't you say you found out about the cloak in sixth year as well?"

"I did, but that isn't until Easter break, I expect you'll remember that tomorrow." She says with a shrug. "I found out about the map at the end of sixth year, as well."

I shake my head. "Do we tell you every secret then?"

"Yes." She tells me and I smile.

"Are you the fifth Marauder?"

A smile comes across her face, as if remembering something. "Something like that."

"When do you find out about us being Animagi? I told you that we may tell you one day, I assume that we do?"

"Yes, you do, at the beginning of seventh year."

I nod again. Lily gets up and gets out more Muggle clothing out of the wardrobe, preparing for her shower.

"Lily?" I ask and she turns to me. "It's Selwyn, isn't it? The bloke you marry?" I ask, remembering my conversation with Remus about how I would be happy for her if she stays with him forever, as long as she's happy. I assume that's exactly what happened.

She laughs again like she had when I thought she married Snape. "No James, I don't marry Selwyn. Merlin, I forget that you don't know yet. The memories cut off before you saw the incident."

"What incident?" I ask hopefully.

"You'll know tomorrow, it happens about the same time you four show me the map." She explains and I lay back on my pillow as she goes to shower.

_Merlin, this is so frustrating. Who could she have married?_ I think back to all she has told me about the bloke. _It's someone I know well. _The only people I can think of that I know well are Sirius, Remus and Peter. _She married one of my best mates?_

The thought crushes me. _They all knew how I feel about her. They knew I love her. Why would they do that to me? _It makes sense that she married one of them though. Explains how she knows our secrets and even why she's here with me now. _How am I still friends with them after that though? Does she know how hopelessly in love I am with her? Do I ever even tell her?_

When she enters the room again I can't bring myself to ask her, I pull out some Muggle clothes for myself and head to the shower, anything to get my mind off Lily marrying one of my mates.

At lunch I decide that I have to ask her, I can't hold it in any longer. "Do you know how I feel about you, Lily? Do I ever tell you?"

She looks up at me and I see her smiling. "You do."

"And yet we stay friends?" I ask, not understanding how it's possible.

"I know it's confusing now, but I promise it'll all make sense once you remember. The summer before seventh year changes everything."

I nod again, not sure I really want to know, unwilling to feel the heartbreak just yet. "Can I ask you a personal question?"

"Of course, it's only fair since all I've been doing is invading your personal memories." She reasons

I smile, feeling less self-conscious about asking this now. "Did you and Selwyn ever… you know, have sex?" She grins at me. "If you say that I need to wait until I get more memories to find out, I swear Lily..." She doesn't stop grinning.

"No, I didn't have sex with Todd. Like you and Danielle, we did other stuff. We just never took it all the way." She says.

I let out a sigh of relief. "Good." I say before I can stop myself and she raises her eyebrows at me. "I just never liked that guy, awful Quidditch player and a terrible captain. I imagine he treats his women like he does his team and you are too sweet for that. I'm glad you stayed a virgin." I say and I feel my cheeks reddening.

"I never said I was still a virgin back then." She says with a wicked smile and I splutter.

"Course you didn't, I just assumed. Oh Merlin, I'm such an arse." I say hanging my head into my hands.

"It's alright, James. I'm just taking the mickey. I was a virgin when I dated Todd. I stayed that way until I got together with my future husband." She assures me and somehow I feel better and worse about that.

"I know I have no right to ask, but why?"

She shrugs. "It just never felt right with Todd, whenever we would get close, I just knew it was wrong. I would try to tell myself that everyone was already doing it, that it wasn't that big of a deal. Both Mary and Beth had already had sex and didn't seem too cut up about not being virgins anymore and you and the other Marauder's had all done it. Why couldn't I just get it over with? But, I couldn't. It just meant something to me, something that I couldn't explain. Then, when I started dating my husband, we both knew it was right. I didn't really even have to think about it. I have never regretted those decisions to wait and not to wait." She tells me with a smile.

I can't help but hate whichever one of my mates is this special person to her. _The lucky bastard not only gets her love for eternity but they get her, all of her, every bit of her_

I almost growl as I acknowledge her statement. "You're wrong you know. Both Peter and I were still virgins." I say and then blush.

"Oh Merlin, am I _still_ a virgin?" I ask astounded at the thought. _The only woman I can see myself wanting to shag is Lily. But if she has only ever been with her husband that means I either am still a virgin at nineteen or shagged someone I'm not in love with. Either way, I'm a prat._

Lily looks at me with a mischievous grin on her face. "No, neither Peter nor you are virgins now. But, I can't tell you about it, you'll remember soon. At least, I really hope you do." She says and her face goes scarlet.

I imagine the only reason she knows I'm not a virgin is because my mates tease me endlessly about finally getting shagged for the first time. Either that or Sirius yells about it in the corridor. He would be proud of me after all. He has been bugging me to get it over with since before fifth year.

"Can you at least tell me who it was with?" I ask.

She shakes her head and the mischievous grin is back. "All I can tell you is that you love her very much." I scoff. _Doubtful. I was in love with you and still am even though you're married._ "You do love her, I know you don't understand yet, but you will."

I nod. "This is all so confusing." I say burying my face into my hands.

"I know, James. I wish I could tell you everything." She says and I can hear in her voice that she means it. "Just take comfort in the fact that there are only two blocks left, which means we only have two more days of this."

"Thanks Lily, I promise I'm not trying to make this hard on you. I won't ask any more personal questions."

"No, it's alright, it's only fair. Besides, I haven't told you anything that you won't remember eventually anyway." She says and lifts her hand up to tuck her red locks behind her ear. The light catches on the too big watch on her wrist and I stare at it.

"Lily, are you wearing my watch?" She looks down at her wrist and I hurry on so she doesn't think I'm accusing her of stealing. "It's just, I remember opening my gifts on my seventeenth birthday, and that watch looks exactly like the one I got from my parents. Sorry, what am I thinking? I mean there are probably loads of watches like that aren't there? Ignore me." I finish embarrassed.

"No, you're right James. This is your watch." She tells me and takes it off. "Edgar didn't want you wearing anything that could trigger a memory. So, I took all your jewelry for safe keeping. I wore the watch so I could keep track of time, I don't have one of my own." She explains holding the watch out to me.

"How do you know the spell?" I ask. This watch was made by goblins and has a security measure on it so that only the owner of the jewelry can remove it and only the owner knows the spell to put it back on.

"You taught it to me, in our seventh year." She says sounding self-conscious. She's about to continue but I cut her off.

"But it's something that I'll remember either tomorrow or the next day right?" I ask and she nods sadly. "Well, can you help me put it back on then?"

"Try it yourself." She says and hands me her wand.

"Really?" I ask amazed. "You aren't afraid that I'm going to try to use it to break out of here?"

"I trust you." She says simply.

The feel of a wand in my hand again is amazing, I smile. I mutter the spell that allows me to pull the watch on. My arm feels more normal with the watch on it. Like I had been missing it, but didn't realize it yet. I hand Lily back her wand. "Thank you."

As she reaches across the table for it I notice a bracelet on her wrist that must have been hidden under the much bulkier watch. I don't look too closely at it. I know who she got it from. _Maybe I can work out who she married though._ I think hopefully.

"I like your necklace." I say casually.

"Thank you." She says reaching out to touch it with her fingertips.

"I assume the lucky bloke who put that ring on your finger also put that around your neck."

"He did." She confirms still playing with the heart-shaped charm.

"The bracelet too?"

"Yes." She says and I see her face redden.

"What?" I ask not understanding her embarrassment.

"It's something I used to be self-conscious about, him buying me all this jewelry. People used to assume that it was the only reason I got together with him. The money." She clarifies.

I shake my head. "Cods wallop. Anyone who knows you knows that you aren't like that." I say confidently and she smiles wide.

"I know, my husband convinced me not to care what they think, people are going to gossip no matter what. And they sure did gossip about me being a Muggle-born."

_It must be Sirius that she marries._ I decide. He's the only one of my friends who has any gold to his name, the only one who people would gossip about if he married a Muggle-born. Somehow, this angers me more than it would if it were Remus or Peter that she marries.

Sirius. My best mate, my brother. The one person in the world who I thought would never, _ever,_ betray me, marries the girl I've loved since I was sixteen. No wonder she had won the fight with him about who should be here right now. No doubt we had a very ugly row when I found out about them dating. She must not have wanted a repeat of that.

_How can I ever forgive him? Maybe I don't? Maybe I just go on hating him, pretending everything is dandy. Do I really want to go back to that life? Can I?_

She smiles and clears her throat. "Sorry, I shouldn't have told you that. Let's just play a game of chess shall we?"

I look up and see her desperation to gloss over this moment. "You should know better than to challenge the master." I say cockily and she laughs loudly at this. She continues to smile the entire chess match and when I beat her she looks at me expectantly, like she's waiting for me to do something.

"What?" I ask.

"Nothing, it's just hard for me as well, you not remembering." She says sadly.

"Oh." I say lamely. I don't know what else to say. I hadn't thought this was hard on her.

"I should go get us dinner. I'll leave you my wand if you wish, you just have to promise not to try to escape." She says with a wink and hands me her wand before leaving the room.

I smile as I think about all the things I can do to the room. First I transfigure a wash cloth into a table-cloth to put over the table she had conjured days before. I conjure up flowers, beautiful white lilies, her favorite, to add to the center of the table. Then I have a bit of fun. I change all the hangings on the bed from blue to Gryffindor red and the curtains to gold. Then I sit down in my arm-chair and charm the chess pieces to dance around a bit, much to their displeasure and protests.

Lily returns and smiles fondly at the changes I've made to the room. "You were busy while I was gone." I just smile.

She lets me play with her wand until we hear Edgar outside of the room. She quickly takes it back and tells me not to tell him. I grin. _She's a bit of a mischief maker herself_. _No wonder she ends up with Sirius._ _Can't really blame him for falling for her. _I think sadly.

"Evening." Edgar says coming in the room and setting the potion down on the bedside. "How was your day today, James?"

"Same as the last two, confusing and frustrating, although, I am well rested." I say fairly and both Edgar and Lily laugh.

"I'm hoping tonight will clear a lot of stuff up for you." Lily says kindly placing her hand on my arm before getting up heading towards her arm-chair at my bedside.

_Me too. _

* * *

The memories start to wash over me before I'm even aware that I'm conscious.

Lily, Sirius, Remus and I take and pass the Apparition test. Easter break comes and Lily stays behind with Sirius and me. We all spend the first week together. Then Easter Sunday comes and Lily tells me about her sister, how they don't get on and all the problems they've had. I show her my Invisibility Cloak and we sneak down to the kitchens for hot cocoa. We spend the rest of the holiday getting to know each other better.

Gryffindor wins the Quidditch Cup for the fifth year in a row. I watch as we celebrate in the common room and then as Remus and I go to get more food from the kitchens. Lily, Selwyn and I get into a row in the kitchens and it's heated but rewarding as she chooses me over him. We show her the Marauders Map. I decide she definitely has to fancy me. _Me not Sirius!_

Exams come and I do well. I introduce Lily to my mother. My mum loves her and tells me so several times. She's invited to come stay with us over the summer. We go to a party at Mary's. Lily is there, in the most alluring outfit I have ever seen her in. I can't keep my eyes off her. I ask her to dance, and she accepts. We spend almost the entire evening together and I'm in heaven. I know things are going in the right direction for us. She comes to stay for a weekend at Potter Manor. My parents love her, and I love her being there. We share our first kiss in the gazebo just beyond the gardens.

I become Head Boy and Lily is made Head Girl. Seventh year starts in a blur of pure happiness for me. Lily and I organize rounds and patrol together while we sneak away to snog or just spend alone time together. I get permission from the others to tell Lily all of our secrets. I meet her family properly for the first time at Petunia's wedding. She agrees to go on a date with me. I take her to the Room of Requirement. The date goes perfectly and I tell her everything, all of my secrets. She accepts me for who I am, despite the fact that I do something illegal every month. She becomes my girlfriend.

_Lily Evans is _my_ girlfriend._

She stays up and waits for me on full moon nights. Our relationship progresses nicely. I tell her I love her. She loves me too. I invite Lily to stay at my house for the Christmas holidays. Christmas morning I watch her open up the necklace that is still around her neck today. That evening, after everyone is asleep, Lily and I meet by accident in the hallway. We kiss passionately and move into my room. We give ourselves to each other completely. I know then that I will marry her. We spend most of Boxing Day in bed. They say practice makes perfect, but Lily and I were already perfection. I show her off to all my parents' friends at their New Year's Eve party, exceptionally proud that she chose me. That she's mine and I'm hers.

The new term starts and we learn how to cast patronus'. I see my all too familiar stag burst from my wand. A short while later Lily's patronus joins mine and they embrace. Stag and doe. We are soul mates, truly meant to be together.

On Valentine's Day Lily and I attend Madam Malkin's Ball. We leave a bit early to have some alone time before we have to go back to school. Voldemort finds us in an alleyway. We duel him and Lily distracted him long enough for me to apparate us away, but he gets in one last curse before we do. Lily is injured and I stay by her side in the Hospital Wing for her entire stay. Dumbledore tells us all about a secret organization he founded called The Order of the Phoenix. He asks us if we would like to join when we leave Hogwarts. Lily and I discuss it in private and we both decide it's what we want.

I make my own plans for after school that I don't share with her yet. Sirius and Remus are asked to join as well and they tell us that they will. Sirius' uncle Alfred passes away. He inherits a bunch of gold and a flat. I'm secretly glad. It means that I won't feel bad when I tell him my plans to marry Lily.

Easter break comes and Lily and I spend the first week with her family. I ask her father for his permission to marry his daughter and he gives it to me. We arrive at Potter Manor the day before Easter and I tell my father my plans, seeking his blessing. He gives me it and also gives me his mother's ring. He says he can't imagine anyone he would want to wear it besides Lily. He tells me that as soon as I started dating Lily he opened up a volt in Gringotts in our names. We will be set for life. My eighteenth birthday was wonderful. The last thing I remember is Lily and I going down to the kitchen to get hot cocoa after a wonderful night together.

_Best birthday ever._

I open my eyes finally and don't bother pulling on my glasses. I can tell Lily's still asleep and the darkness in the room tells me that the sun hasn't fully risen yet.

_How could I ever think she would end up with anyone but me?_ I wonder. I get out of bed silently and scoop her up quickly and gently. I set her down on the bed and lie down next to her before pulling the covers over us.

She opens her eyes and smiles at me.

"When do we get married?" I ask her but I don't give her time to answer. I lean in and kiss her. She returns the kiss with the same fervor and it's not long before I have her pinned between my body and the mattress. I pull away only for the necessity of breathing.

"I love you, Lily. I know that you know that, and I know that there's still so much I don't remember, but the way I feel, I know that doesn't change." I say through shallow breath. "I love you." I repeat and she smiles up at me.

"It doesn't change, James." She promises me. "I love you so much. It's been so hard for me not to show you that these last couple days."

I shake my head at her and rest on my side, arm still wrapped around her torso. "I don't want to talk about that right now. I want you to tell me how I propose. When do we get married? Where do we live?" I move my free hand up to play with her hair and she smiles at me lovingly.

"I suppose there's no harm in telling you anymore, is there? You had our future planned out for months before you clued me in."

I smile as a response and pull her in closer to me. I kiss her again, tenderly this time. Letting her know how I feel. "I can't help myself." I tell her and move my kisses to her cheek, jaw, neck and ears.

"James." She says warningly. "Do you want to know or not?" I can hear the humor in her voice and I pull back.

"You talk, I kiss." I say and move my lips back to her neck.

"I can't, I can barely think!"

I chuckle and rest my head on my pillow, staring over at her slightly blurry face. "Sorry, I'll try to contain myself. I want to know everything." I say and wrap my arms around her tighter.

"Well, a lot of things happen, James. Not all of it is happy." She seems to sense my shock and continues hastily. "Not with us I mean! Our relationship has always been brilliant. We fight of course but that's because we're us, not because we have any real problems to speak of."

I love how she babbles on. I lean forward and place my lips over hers. "I don't want to hear anything other than what happens with us. Our relationship. Leave out all the bad stuff." I say when I pull away and she nods.

"I'll start with the proposal I guess." She says and a wicked smile plays on her lips. "This is good because you always tell me I make it sound more romantic than it actually was. Now I can tell the story my way and you can't interrupt me!" She says excitedly.

I listen to her tell me how I waited until the Saturday after we finish N.E.W.T.'s. How I took her into Hogsmeade and walked her around to every place that ever held any meaning to us as a couple. She repeats the things I told her and the things she shared with me. Then how we went back to Hogwarts and did the same thing there. She tells me I took her to the Room of Requirement and I turned it into the gazebo, just like I had on our first date. She repeats back every word I spoke to her as I got down on bended knee.

"Merlin, I'm good." I say and she laughs before giving me a playful push.

"We decided we didn't want a long engagement, so your mum and mine got together and pulled the entire thing together in less than a month."

I smile at her, unable to believe how lucky I am. "I wouldn't have wanted to wait any longer than that to have you as my wife anyway." I assure her. "Do we live here at Potter Manor with my parents?" I ask.

A look of sadness comes over her face. "We live in a little cottage in the village of Godric's Hollow. You found the place and were certain I would love it. You insisted that we buy it." She tells me and I wonder at the tone of her voice.

"Lily, what's wrong? Do you not like our house? I assure you we can move, I don't care why I wanted us to live there. We don't have to if it makes you unhappy."

"No James." She says shaking her head at me. "I love our house. It's just… I know you don't want to know any of the sad things that have happened…" She pauses and then looks up at me with tears in her eyes. "I just, I think it would be better if you heard it from me rather than having to wait to relive it all again." She admits.

_Relive what? What sort of tragedy could have occurred to make her so upset? _"Tell me Lily, please."

She sits up and grabs my glasses off the nightstand, handing them to me. I put them on and sit up to face her. The grief in her eyes makes my stomach drop. "It's our parents, James."

Suddenly, without her needing to say anything, I know. _They're dead._ I don't know how I know this, it's just a feeling. That if they were alive, they wouldn't have let some Healer hold them back, they would've been the ones to sit by my bed and explain my lost memories to me. That's why Lily got so upset when I mentioned living here with them, it's because they're no longer alive.

"When?" I ask, the sadness creeping into my voice.

"Your dad was first. There was an attack on Diagon Alley. He was there with some old colleagues, other retired Ministry workers. They say your dad wasn't the target, though. It was about a month before we left Hogwarts." She tells him, using her fingers to stroke his face lovingly. "Your mum was next, a little over a month after we got married. She had Dragon Pox and refused to take her medication. We didn't know until it was too late. She promised us that she lived her life to the fullest and was happy to go the way she did."

Tears form in my eyes. "And yours?" I ask, unable to bear the idea that all four of our parents are dead.

"They died this past Christmas. They were in a car accident, hit by a drunk driver." She explains and I shake my head sadly. "They were on their way home from our house. We had a party, and they had so much fun. We didn't find out about them until later on Christmas Day. We took Padfoot over for Christmas dinner. Petunia was there and she knew and she didn't try to contact me. She wouldn't even tell me to my face while we were there. You talked to a police officer and he told you what happened." She explains to me.

My heart clenches. "Oh Lily…" I say and bury my face in her hair.

"We make it through. We miss them, but we still get through it all." She promises me.

"Do we lose anyone else?" I ask, unable to bear the thought.

"No one that you will remember yet. We met a lot of wonderful people when we joined the Order. And we've lost wonderful people since." She tells me forlornly.

We lay there in silence for a long time, Lily softly stroking my arm as my silent tears fall. All I can think of is the night of my eighteenth birthday. I sat in the kitchen with Lily, drinking cocoa and worrying about proposing, about how it would all work out. I remember telling her I wanted our parents to meet. I wondered if they would get along, if we could be one big, happy family. Now all I can think of is how we don't get to have that, how it's just Lily and I now.

"Tell me something happy. I can't keep dwelling on this." I say, unable to continue to thinking about the loss of our parents.

"Mary finds someone really nice. He's good for her, they complement each other. They moved to America together just last weekend." She tells me and I smile. Mary MacDonald was my first real friend. We knew each other before we even went to Hogwarts. It's nice to hear that she's alive and happy, untainted by the war.

"What about Beth and Barry?" I ask, thinking about Lily's other girlfriend and her boyfriend.

"They're engaged." Lily tells me. "It's going to be a fall wedding. They actually moved to Ireland a few months back. Barry got a high up position in the Ministry there."

"Well, I suppose that's good, as long as she's happy." I say, wondering how Remus took the news. Last I remember he had some unrequited feelings for Beth.

"Moony's moved on." She tells me, as if reading my thoughts. "He seems to be fine with Beth leaving. He's been as happy as any of us can be."

"That's good." I smile. "He deserves to be happy."

"He does." She confirms and I pull her in closer.

"And Wormy?"

"He actually surprised most of us with how well he's doing with all the Order stuff." Lily tells him.

"He did join the Order then?" I ask. I hadn't been certain if Dumbledore would ask Peter to join.

"Oh yes, he joined with all of us after the wedding. It turns out, he's rather sly." Lily says teasingly. "Good at blending in and going unnoticed."

I chuckle at this. "I knew that he turns into a rat for a reason."

"A very good reason, he helped Marlene – uh, you don't know her yet, but she, well… let's just say he's very useful." Lily surmises, unable to say too much, not that I would understand it anyway.

"I'm glad." I say nuzzling into her neck.

"And Padfoot is beside himself." Lily chuckles. "Hasn't left the Manor since you got here."

"Same as you." I point out.

"Yes, but I'm nursing you back to health. He's just driving Tilly up a wall."

I chuckle at that. "Tilly, Merlin, I'm glad she's still around as well. Think she'd make me one of her famous steak and kidney pies today?"

Lily gives him a triumphant grin. "I knew you preferred hers to mine!"

I pale at this. "Lily, I'm sure I do prefer –"

"Ah, too late." She cuts me off. "I already know your secret."

"Sure, take advantage of the bloke with memory loss." I say sulkily.

She smiles sadly at me. "Sorry." She apologizes. "That isn't very tactful is it?"

I laugh again. She's still just as thoughtful as she was when I first fell for her. "I love you, Lily." I tell her.

After a minute of just staring lovingly at each other, she starts to get up. "Where are you going?" I groan in protest.

"We have to get up, you need to eat and I need to fill Edgar in on your progress." She explains.

"Can't we just send him an owl – Hamlet and Oscar are still around, aren't they?" I ask, unsure.

"Oscar is ours still, Hamlet belongs to Padfoot now." Lily explains.

"Good, let's send Oscar to St. Mungo's and we can stay in bed all day."

Lily gives me a snort of laughter as she opens the wardrobe, pulling out fresh clothing. "How about I get a shower while you familiarize yourself with this again?" She says, pulling out a wand. It's eleven inches and made out of mahogany.

"My wand!" I say excitedly, and look over at her. "I can't believe you had it hidden in the wardrobe this whole time. Weren't you afraid I'd find it and try to escape?" I ask.

"Not with the way you look for things." She says in a falsely sweet voice and I scowl at her. She just laughs and continues on her way towards the loo.

_What should I do first?_ I wonder, happy to just be able to hold my wand again. It's like a natural extension to my arm, perfect weight, length and grip.

I hear the shower turn on and I smirk. I could stand out here waving my wand and performing spells that I've done dozens and dozens of times before, or I can join my beautiful, sexy, feisty wife in the shower. I quickly grab a set of fresh robes from the wardrobe and dash to the door, a little angry that I didn't think of it sooner.

I hear Lily chuckle from behind the shower curtain when the door clicks closed behind me. "I was wondering how long it'd take you to get the hint." She says.

_Merlin._ I think, nearly tripping over my own legs as I struggle to get undressed. "Cut me a little slack, love. I just remembered that I'm allowed to do this." I say, pulling back the shower curtain.

I stop, unable to do anything but stare. She's facing me, a wicked grin on her face, hair slicked back and dripping down her back. I follow a drop of water down her neck, towards her collarbone. I groan as it passes between her breasts and continues down her flat stomach.

"What are you waiting for, a formal invitation?" She asks cheekily.

_I have to be the luckiest man alive._

* * *

A knock comes at the door and Lily yells for whoever it is to enter.

We had spent a very pleasant morning in the shower together. After a rather hurried and rough love making session against the shower wall, we spent the next hour under the warm stream of water, touching and caressing and washing. She let me get to know her body again, centimeter by centimeter.

I grin, still in my happy bubble, when Edgar enters the room. "Good afternoon, James, Lily. I trust you had a good morning." He says with a secret smile that tells me he knows exactly how we spent the morning.

"Very good." I tell him, unable to wipe the grin from my face.

"You're a bit early, Edgar." Lily comments, a blush creeping onto her cheeks from the implication of our words.

"Yes, I'm off from St. Mungo's today and thought James might want to get the rest of his memories back a bit early." He says, then as if he couldn't resist he adds, "Plus, Sirius sent me an owl begging me to stop you lot from, and to use his words, 'waking up the entire Manor with your shagging'."

Lily's face goes from slightly pink to full red at this. I can feel heat creeping into my cheeks as well. I hadn't thought much about it while we were in the shower, but we hadn't been very quiet. We hadn't been any quieter when we had round two on the bed either.

I clear my throat awkwardly and Edgar laughs. "I couldn't resist. It's good to see you back to normal, James." He says with a wide smile.

I return his smile. "I can't wait to remember you, Edgar." I tell him honestly.

"The real reason I'm starting so early is that this last block will take the longest to remove. I think we should get started pretty soon. I'm just going to head down to the kitchen and get some dinner, then we can start. Does that sound alright?" He asks.

"Yes, thank you." I say, happy that this whole ordeal will be over by tomorrow.

When the door shuts behind Edgar, I turn to Lily with a smile. "Well, anything you want to tell me? Anything I should know before I remember it all again?" I ask with a chuckle.

She gives me a small smile and moves over to stand in front of me. "I do have one more thing I wanted to do before you remember."

"What's that?" I watch as she plays with the rings on her left hand for a moment, confused as to what she's doing. "Lily?" I prompt.

She doesn't answer me, she just picks up my left hand and holds it in hers. I look down and watch as she slips a gold wedding band onto my finger and I grin down at our hands. _My wedding ring._

"Taking this off of you was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do." She tells me, tears welling in her eyes. "I never want to have to see your hand without this ring on it again. Do you understand me, Potter?"

I chuckle lightly. "I understand, love." I tell her and pull her close to me, giving her a kiss on the top of her head. "I wish I never had to take it off in the first place."

"Me either." She mumbles into my chest.

"I love you, Lily. You have no idea how happy I am that we're married."

She leans back to grin up at me. "You just wait 'til you remember what it's like living with me."

* * *

I wake up when I feel something cold touching my legs. I open my eyes and blink away the tiredness, smiling as I feel Lily next to me, knowing that it was her cold feet against my warm legs that woke me. I sit up slightly, reaching over Lily to take my glasses from the bedside table. She stirs lightly and curls up into me. I grin and decide to forget my glasses. I snuggle my face into her hair, breathing in the intoxicating fruity scent of her shampoo.

The memories of all the loss and hardships we've gone through seem less harsh when I have my arms wrapped around her. The memories I got back last night aren't all bad though. After the loss of my father, Lily is my rock. I propose to her, exactly the way she said I had, but a bit less sappy. We start planning the wedding right away. We graduate Hogwarts and are married less than a month later.

I find us the perfect house in Godric's Hollow and Lily falls in love with it the moment she sees it, like I knew she would. We help Remus out and help him find somewhere to stay. Peter moves into Sirius' flat.

We join the Order and attend out first meeting. From then on it's a blur of assignments and duels and near misses and triumphs. We meet an exceptional group of people, some we clash with, others we instantly bond with.

My mum dies a few weeks later. Again, Lily is my rock. Potter Manor becomes Order Headquarters. Tilly loves all the company and is grateful to no longer be alone in such a large estate. We continue to fight, and just when it seems we are making progress, we're delivered another blow.

Christmas time and Lily and I throw a party. We invite everyone in the Order and all of our friends and family. Her parents come, but Petunia refuses. It was a wonderful night, the war didn't seem to exist when we were there with our loved ones, enjoying the holiday.

The next day Sirius joins us for dinner at Lily's parent's house. We arrive and they aren't there. Something doesn't feel right, so I try to warn Lily. She doesn't listen. Sirius and I suspected Death Eater involvement and he leaves right away to check in with the Order. Petunia accuses Lily of killing their parents. The phone rings several hours later and I take the call. Lily's parents were in a car accident, they were dead on arrival. Nothing Lily or I or anyone else could do would bring them back. Petunia takes her anger out on Lily and I don't see a way that they can ever recover from this fight.

Months pass of us working for the Order and spending our free time with our friends or alone in our house. Still, we're very happy. Even after everything, we find happiness in each other, in friends, and in the small things.

The day I lost my memory we were heading to Mary's birthday/going away party. We were arguing about where the party was. I said that we should head west of Eeylops, Lily insisted it was north. That's when we heard screaming from Knockturn Alley. I told Lily we should wait for back up, but we both knew that whoever was down there would probably be dead by the time we got help.

We rush to their rescue, right into a trap. Seven Death Eaters take us as captive. When they figured out who they had caught, they summoned Voldemort gleefully. It seemed Voldemort had been thinking about how to turn me over to his side for some time, because he already had a plan in mind. He didn't like that Lily and I had gotten married, so he decided that he would have his Death Eaters erase my memories, take away anything that made me, me. He wanted to rework my mind and make me believe in his horrific ideals.

It goes black after that, the next thing I remember is waking up, not remembering. If anything is more bizarre that waking up, remembering yourself waking up not remembering anything, I don't know what it is.

Lily stretches, rolling onto her back, blinking up at me. "Morning, love." I say, kissing her forehead.

"Good morning."

"I know what I would have asked you." I say and she looks at me confused. "You said, that first day here, that if I remembered you my first question when I woke up would have been different." I remind her.

"Oh, and what do you think I meant?" She asks.

"Which way was the party, west or north?"

Lily chuckles and nods her head. "Yes, that's exactly what I thought you'd ask."

"Well?" I urge. "Which was it?"

"It was north, of course."

James smirks. Lily has never been a good liar. "You know that I'm going to check the invitation the moment we get home, so you might as well tell the truth."

"Fine, you were right, James. It was west."

James grins, leans down and kisses her sweetly. "I know, I remember perfectly."

* * *

**A/N - I just realized that if you want to start reading **_**Thrice Defied**_** after reading this, this is kind of like a summary of everything that has happened so far. Wow. That's depressing. Thirty-nine hard worked on Chapters summed up in a one-shot… BUT, you will be missing some pretty interesting stuff… or I think it's interesting. All the stuff James remembered is explained at least… so, yeah…**

**Now that I have severely depressed myself, cheer me up with a review! :-)**


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